12. Going for the Kiss

When it comes to getting that first kiss, there are two questions that come up: How do I know if she wants me to kiss her? And how do I go about doing it, logistics wise? Fortunately, both of these questions have the same answer, the process of advancing towards the kiss increases the feedback you get from her about her receptiveness.

Disclaimer: This is not the only way to go for a first kiss. One time I was out at a rooftop bar in New York, talking to a girl for a while and she got a phone call. While she was listening to the other person talk at one point I just went for it and kissed her. She then continued her conversation, but afterward we spent the rest of the night making out. That probably won’t ever work again.

There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but what follows is the most basic, time tested, reliable method for separating a cat from its skin.

First Contact

[Note that this is starting with the assumption that you’ve already isolated her. I may do a separate post on that at some point, but it’s too much to include here. If you try to kiss a girl with her friends or your friends watching it’s going to be far more difficult.]

Going for a first kiss is basic light kino escalation. As you’re talking you make contact with her arm, her shoulder, her knee, the small of her back, her hand, non-threatening places you’re allowed to touch someone in public. You’re essentially probing for feedback. Does she pull away? Does the mood suddenly get awkward? Does she reciprocate with contact?

The Voyage Home

Once you know that she’s not turned off by physical contact with you, the next step is to close the space between you. This can be a little bit difficult if you’re seated because you have to lift up and shift your entire body weight to move; it’s really obvious and awkward, especially if you’re going to be making a bunch of small moves. Standing is much easier as people rarely keep their feet firmly planted, even when standing in place. It’s natural to shift your weight a bit and move your feet, so you can incrementally close the space between you. Standing also makes it easier to get feedback from her, so watch if she moves away to keep the same distance from you.

At this point you’ll also want to increase eye contact and slow the rhythm of your speech a bit if you’re a fast/nervous talker. Don’t be worried about silences here. Silences when you open a set are awkward. Silences when sexual tension is building just lets the air get even more charged.

The Undiscovered Country (Alternatively: The Final Frontier)

So now you’re in close. You can practically feel the heat coming off her body. It’s like holding two magnets close, you can feel the energy trying to pull them together. If you don’t feel this, it’s probably not the right time. Go back to your other attraction material, and come back to the kiss later.

But if you do feel it, now we’re in the last phase. It’s go time, and this is where the technology has gotten pretty sophisticated.

Traditionally the advice was the Three Point Look. You look into her left eye with your right eye, then down at her lips with both eyes, and then back up and maybe look cross-eyed into her left eye or something. Frankly, the Three Point Look was overly complicated and you’re going to lose the mood trying to remember the precise combination on that lock.

What worked in the Three Point Look was the quick glance down at her lips. You make eye contact, hold it …then as quick as you can look at her lips and then back up, re-establishing eye contact. You don’t sit there starting at her mouth like a fool, this is the briefest of glances.

The idea is that you’re allowing your eyes to betray your thoughts. She will notice what just happened, which means she’ll know what you’re thinking about. We’re all afraid of rejection, and by giving that quick look you’re “accidentally” making the first move. You give her the confidence to send some non-verbal cues of her own without fear of rejection, possibly the same Three Point Look, but more often Doggy Dinner Bowl eyes. (If you don’t know what that is, picture the pleading look on a puppy’s face when it wants to be fed.) Sometimes you won’t be entirely certain of her response, and no amount of advice will better inform you. What you’ll have to do is just get more experience so you can better read body language and facial expressions in these circumstances. Theory only gets you so far, you need field experience to master this stuff.

90/10 Rule

But wait, there’s more! The 90-10 Rule. This rule states that when going for a kiss, you lean in 90% of the way, and wait for her to come the other 10% of the way to you. I’m not a big fan of this rule, and prefer the 80-10-5/5 Rule. You go in 80% of the way, wait for her to go 10% of the way, then you split the remaining 5%.

I also don’t think either of these rules is something to worry too much about. It can give you confidence to have a game plan, but the biggest resource you can have is experience reading a situation.

Mystery’s Line

Finally, there’s Mystery’s “Would you like to kiss me?” routine. It goes like this: “Would you like to kiss me?” Do not use the AFC version, “Can I kiss you?” Both can work, but Mystery’s line tends to be more successful. This is useful when you’re moving in closer but just hit a wall and can’t progress naturally, but there’s still that tension in the air. Don’t use this line if the situation feels cold, because you’re sure to get a No, and then it’s game over. Once she’s said it, she’s pretty much married to the position. Had you not asked, she might have warmed up to it, but now that she has said it she’s not likely to change her mind. When using the “Would you like to kiss me?” line you will rarely get a straight forward Yes. But the nature of the question creates a context where you both understand that anything other than a No is a Yes. You’re basically saying, “I’m going to kiss you now, so if you want to object, here’s your chance,” just with far more subtle and romantic wording.

So that’s pretty much all you need to know about how to tell if a girl wants to kiss you, and how to move in for it.

Oh, one last thing: It’s mouth-to-mouth. Just want to make sure that’s clear because I didn’t say so at the start.

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