08. Demonstrating Value

When picking up a woman, you have visual and non-visual value. The visual value is easy to communicate, just pull up your shirt and let her see your glorious abs. Non-visual value needs a little more finesse to demonstrate.

Before going on, make sure you have read the article on Atomic Game. To communicate value you need to believe you have value, and it really helps if you actually have value.

Show, Don’t Tell

The key to demonstrating value (other than having value and believing in yourself) is a concept well known to writers: Show, don’t tell. The way this has typically been explained in the community is “a rich man doesn’t need to say that he’s rich.”

Telling someone your good traits (awesome job, your shiny car, how you can run a marathon, or how your ex GF was really hot) just makes them think you’re insecure. If you were confident, you wouldn’t feel the need to tell people how great you are. It’s also just not at all convincing. Attraction is a feeling, not a reasoned weighing of the facts.

Showing your value on the other hand, that’s powerful. If you tell a girl that you’re really funny, she’ll think you’re just weird and suck at conversation. If you make her laugh, she’ll think you’re funny. Tell her about your awesome friends and she’ll wonder why you aren’t hanging out with them. Show up to the club with your awesome friends and let everyone see you having a good time, and she’ll think you’re a cool, popular guy.

Social Proof

Social proof is when you have other people vouch for you being an attractive, quality guy. Again, not telling, but showing. When you go to a bar with a group of friends and you are all joking with each other, have a lot of energy, and are having a good time, that’s social proof. If you were a loser, you wouldn’t be out with a bunch of cool dudes having fun, therefor everyone who sees your group knows you’re not a loser.

Hanging out with women, especially attractive women, is even better. Why would attractive women hang out with you if you were a low value loser? They wouldn’t. Even if you’re not a very good looking guy, women will assume you must have something else going for you if you can keep the attention of women.

If you’re sarging solo, social proof can be harder. In fact, if you’re out alone people may assume that it’s because you don’t have any friends, and so you end up with negative value. To overcome this, start chatting up people as soon as you arrive. Guys, girls, doesn’t matter. Be friendly to everyone. A girl who sees you talking to a couple guys doesn’t know that you just met them. Now you’ve got social proof.

For sarging solo, you’ll also want to consider doing more day game. It’s normal to be in a bookstore or cafe by yourself, so being alone in that setting doesn’t come with any negative assumptions.

Confidence

Confidence is a bit of an odd thing because it’s both a demonstration of value and an actual value itself. We like confident people, they’re just more fun to be around than people who are shy, timid, and never want to go out and have an adventure. But it’s also a way of demonstrating a generalized high value.

People are shit at judging value in a vacuum, so we look for clues. As I’ve said, social proof is one clue. Another big clue though is someone’s opinion of himself. No one has greater information about your value than yourself. You’re biased, but you’re also the world’s foremost expert.

If you act like a beta, show no confidence, and are always apologizing just for taking up space in the world, people will assume this is because you actually are low value. After all, would a really cool high value guy present himself as a piece of shit loser? Andy Kaufman aside, no way. So if you act like a loser it must be because you are one. Girls won’t waste their time trying to tell if your opinion of yourself is wrong.

It works the same way with being alpha.If you act like you’re an alpha people are very likely to believe you. There’s plenty of reasons to think you’d lie about being alpha, but that’s why I said people believe you when you act alpha. It’s hard to lie through actions, so when you act confident people will assume you have something to be confident in.

Confidence is also a form of guerrilla social proof. If you approach a girl with confidence and are comfortable talking to her, she will assume that talking to girls is something you do all the time. She hasn’t seen you with girls, but she’ll believe your life is filled with them.

Getting confidence is the trick though, and there is no magic bullet fix. Working on actually having value will help (Atomic Game), so will doing an honest assessment of your value (Inner Game). But while you’re working on that other stuff, just give yourself a little bit of positive self-talk, take a deep breath, jump in and remember that simply acting confident gives you some value. The ability to approach a stranger is a rare and admirable trait, so at a bare minimum you have that going for you.

Dancing Monkey Syndrome

You just delivered your opener perfectly, dropped some really funny jokes, everyone laughed a lot, and then you did a couple magic tricks and the set is completely blown away. Too bad you’ve about to be blown out.

You’ve contracted Dancing Monkey Syndrome. You’re telling the set you opened that you’re there to entertain them. You might be entertaining, but you’re not attracting them — you’re showing them the desperate lengths you go to just to keep their attention. Opening a complete stranger with a funny joke shows confidence. Continuing the laugh parade shows a lack of confidence.

Dancing Monkey Syndrome is also incredibly impersonal. You can tell the same jokes the exact same way to someone completely different than the girl you’re talking to, and she knows it. Someone else could also tell her the same joke. There’s absolutely no connection between you. You want to be engaging and interesting, not merely entertaining. If all she wanted was entertainment, there’s always comedy specials on HBO.

When Showing Isn’t an Option

Show, Don’t Tell is the general rule, but showing isn’t always feasible. You’re not going to ask a girl to wait around for a couple hours while you complete a marathon, odds are the bar kitchen isn’t going to invite you back to show off your skills, and while you can show wealth by spending freely that tends to come across as try-hard and actually pretty insecure about all your other traits. So what does that leave? Telling. Fortunately, there are a couple tricks to make telling your good qualities a lot more effective.

I love to cook, and not just because I like eating, though that’s a nice fringe benefit. What I really like about it is the creative process and the experimentation. You take a bunch of ingredients and transform them into something completely different. And then you do it again and again and over time the recipes slowly evolve and you branch out and experiment. You learn the way different flavors interact, often in really surprising ways, like how a really simple peach glaze takes on a complex, three dimensional flavor when you add just a little bit of dijon mustard. Every time you have one of those little moments where you see a new way of combining ingredients that experience goes into this sort of mental file cabinet that you can draw from in the future, so you’re not just transforming the food — you’re transforming the way you see and think about food. Plus, you know, there’s also the food itself, and you get to eat it. So there’s that.

Reading that, you probably think that one thing that one source of value I have is being skilled at cooking. Yet, I didn’t even say I’m good at it. What gives?

Emotion. Enthusiasm. Passion. Whatever you want to call it, when we hear someone speak about something with emotion we immediately associate that thing with high value. (Except some obvious exceptions of course — if you complain with incredible compassion about how much you hate your boss you’re still not conveying value.) This works just like how we associate high prices with quality.

You also want to work in some details. They make the mental images you’re creating much more vivid and lend some credibility. If you enjoy cooking like I do, talk about a specific dish you especially enjoyed making; if you run marathons bring out a detail of the last marathon you ran, maybe a specific landmark you were passing as you broke through the wall and hit your runner’s high.

Finally, talking with emotion and enthusiasm does double duty. Just like confidence, it’s not only way of demonstrating your value, zest for life is itself a value. People who can talk about things in an exciting way make us feel excited, we want to be around those people more if for nothing than the energy they bring with them.

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