03. How to Ask For Help

There are three main problems guys encounter when asking for help: They want to know how to get this one girl, they leave out important details, and they don’t learn to think for themselves.

That One Girl Isn’t the Issue

If you’ve read how to learn this stuff, you know that what matters is the process. Focusing on one girl or one particular conversation or text message is missing the forest for the tree.

The truth is that there is never one move that will always work with a girl. The answer to “What should I do?” is always “It depends.” There are some things that are more likely to work than others, but the answer is really just to improve your instincts and skills so you can pick from among the various possible good moves and go with the one that’s the best for that situation.

When asking for advice, you need to think of interactions in bulk. If it’s the first time you’ve come across a particular situation, it’s not time to ask for advice. It’s time to experiment. But, if you come across the same thing 5 or 10 times while out in the field and don’t know what to do, now it’s time to ask for advice.

Your Question Lacks Sufficient Details

This is one of my biggest pet peeves. “I approached this girl and she ignored me. What should I have done differently?”

Honestly, how the hell do you expect anyone to answer that? We need to know what line you used, what direction you approached, how big the set was, if you had any IOIs before approaching, how loud the venue was, exactly what she was doing at the time time, and then another dozen other details that played a role in her response.

Most experienced guys are eager to help others benefit from their experience. We understand how powerful the transformation ca be. But, you have to give us what we need to help you. Before asking for help, ask yourself “What are the obvious questions that I’ll need to answer?” Answer those questions upfront. And that leads to the biggest problem with people asking for advice:

You Don’t Learn to Think For Yourself

So many times I’ve seen guys ask for advice, and when I get them to give all the relevant details they realize the answers to their own question.

“Why didn’t this girl respond to my opener?”
“How did you approach?”
“From behind.”
“Did you tap her on the shoulder first, or get her to turn around?”
“No.”
“Do you understand why she didn’t respond now?”
“Ohhhh. Is it because she couldn’t even tell I was talking to her?”
“DING DING DING!”

When you start filling in all the relevant details, not only do you typically answer your own questions, but you learn how to answer them yourself. This is a key component of taking your game to the next level. If you can answer your own questions after the fact, pretty soon you’ll learn to answer them in the moment. Learning to analyze a situation in real time is like a superpower, but first you have to learn to analyze a situation at all. You cannot do that if you keep asking other people to do it for you.

Pick Up is not a knowledge base. You cannot learn it by reading. You can learn some by reading, but only a small amount. You learn by doing, and when you ask others to do for you, you’re not learning.

Field Test, Don’t Theory Craft

“I have an idea for a routine, do you think this will work?”

It might, but it might not. Unless the routine is just horrendous, there’s no way to know if it will work. A lot comes down to your confidence and execution, and the type of venue and targets you choose.

But rather than asking a bunch of people on the internet to philosophize about your new routine, you should be going out and getting the answer yourself. Field test it. Go find 10 or 20 sets to try it on. Pay attention to your results. Revise the routine, try it some more, and analyze the results.

Now you know if it works, how often it works, what situations it works best in, or if it’s just garbage. Plus, you got a lot more experience in under your belt.

Consider the Alternatives

This is the single biggest tool in your self-analysis toolbox. A lot of guys ask for help on problems like “I think this girl might like me, but I’m not entirely sure, and she might say no and I don’t know what to do. Should I ask her out?”

Consider the alternative: Not asking her out.

Is that any better?

If you asked her out, she might say no. Rejection can suck, but it’s not the end of the world. She might also say yes. That’d be pretty great.

If you don’t ask her out, she definitely will not say yes, and you’re just going to be sitting at home by yourself. That sucks a lot more than rejection.

Don’t get hung up on alternatives that aren’t realistic options for you. Yeah, it’d be easier to approach a girl if you had one of her friends introduce you. But do you know any of her friends? If not, this isn’t a realistic option, so it’s time for the cold opener.

Consider the possibilities, figure out which options are realistically available to you, and then think about the possible outcomes. Most of the time all that’s at risk is rejection, but once you get experienced, rejections will become nothing to you. Then the situation almost always become acting and having zero risk but some chance at a reward, versus not acting and having no chance at a reward and dealing with a life of missed opportunities.

This goes right back to not being your own worst enemy. When you ask if you should take action you know that the answer is yes. Just do it.

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