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Most Guys Don’t Get Laid

Half of single men aged 18-29 go a year or more without having sex.

That should come as a surprise. I mean, if you’re even slightly optimistic, you should think that HALF of guys not getting laid AT ALL is absurd! And I’m going to get into why this happens and what we can learn from the data, but first, let’s take a look at the actual numbers.

According to the 2010 National Survey of Sexual Healthy and Behavior, 56.9% of single men aged 18-24 did not have sex in the past year, nor did 46.6% of single men aged 25-29. Combining those two groups, a slight majority of single men aged 18-29 didn’t have sex in the past year. And to clarify, “single” in this study doesn’t mean unmarried, it means uncoupled, so it’s guys without any significant other.

29.2% of single guys aged 18-24 had sex more than once a month; 31.2% for the 25-29 age bracket.

10.2% of single guys aged 18-24 had sex more than once a week; 4.1% for the 25-29 age bracket.

2.2% of single guys aged 18-24 had sex 4 or more times a week; 0% for the 25-29 age bracket.

Why Is It This Way?

Surely most guys would like to get laid, so why aren’t they? I think it’s because most guys rely nearly exclusively on their social circle for meeting girls. In college that can work because you’re always taking new classes, meeting new people, there’s clubs, and you can get an open social circle with lots of new people coming into your life.

But then you leave college, you get a job. This is a whole lot of bad events conspiring against you. So, the first thing that happens is people move. If you move to another city your social circle just vanished. And even if you stay, lots of other people will be leaving and so your social circle is at least very diminished. But you’ve got a new circle, right? You’ve got your new coworkers and they each have their own social circle, so you can expand. …Except that rarely happens. The first obvious problem is that your work place is a lot smaller than college, probably smaller than most of your classes, so there’s just not many people. Then there’s a wider age variety, and you’re probably not going to be hanging out with your 50 year old coworker and his buddies. And your coworkers probably just have small social circles — theirs have diminished for the same reasons yours have.

But then there’s bars! Right? Guys can just go out to bars to meet women, so why are still half of guys not getting laid? Because when most guys go out to a bar, they’re there to hang out with their friends, not to actively sarge. Even if they are really only out to meet women and would rather stay in, and even if their friends likewise only came out with the hopes of meeting women, they still stay in their little conversation bubble and no one ventures out of it. They keep of the facade of “I’m out with my buddies,” and no one gets laid. [Note this can be different if you're going to oontz oontz clubs, your guy friends know what the deal is then.]

And of course a lot of guys just don’t have guy friends to go out drinking with. Maybe they’re too much into video games, they can’t afford it, their jobs suck all the life out of them, or they’ve partnered up and are staying in with the girlfriend. They don’t want to be the guy going to a bar by himself because of the stigma and because they have no idea what to do, so they stay at home and never meet anyone.

What To Do About This?

I don’t mean “how can we reverse this trend?” because fuck those guys, I don’t care if they get laid. I care if I get laid, and I care if you get laid. What I want to talk about is how to exploit the fact that these guys aren’t out meeting and seducing women.

Because these guys aren’t out there, almost as many women are going a year or more sexless! For single women 18-24, 50.8% didn’t have sex in the past year, and for 24-29 it’s 43.0%.

So the first thing you need to do is get it into your head that there’s a lot of women who want to be having sex but aren’t. Now, that doesn’t mean they’re going to be DTF the night you meet, it might still take 2-3 dates, but that should give you a lot more hope, and with it, a lot of confidence.

It’s easy to go out into the bar scene, see all the competition, get blown out, and think you’re never going to be able to compete in this environment. But, what I want you to take away from the numbers is that the world is your oyster. There’s far more options out there than you’re realizing, and because so many guys are staying at home, or going out and not approaching, simply by approaching you are miles ahead of (half of) the pack.

It’s also easy to get bogged down in all the pickup lingo and mumbo jumbo. Isolate, escalate, inner game, when to push and when to pull, rhythm 10-2, false time constraints, false take aways, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That’s all good to know, but not if it means when you get to the bar you’re too much into your own headspace. If you’re in decent shape (not a complete dough ball), well groomed, wearing nicely fitting clothes, and if you can approach and hold even a moderately interesting conversation, you’ve basically got every single thing in your toolbox that you need. All that other stuff just increases your chances, and you may need it in some ultracompetitive environments, but at the typical bar? Open a girl and you may well be the only guy to run competent game on her in a month. Or a year.

What Did You Do Today? — Eliminate Rubbish Time — Act With Purpose

This is more general advice for self improvement and getting the most out of your life, but having an exciting, dynamic, interesting life has never hurt anyone in getting girls, so it’s worthwhile to discuss here.

Imagine there’s a girl you’ve been out with a few times, and later this evening she’s going to come over to hang out (and then sexy times), and when she gets in and plops down on the couch, she’s going to ask “So what did you do today?”

(Without lying) Do you have a good answer? Is your answer one that’s going to make her want to listen to you and feel lucky for being in your life? Or is your answer immediately going to bring her mood down and increase the odds that later on you’re going to hear “Not tonight, I’m tired from work and not really in the mood”?

Now I don’t care that you don’t actually have a main squeeze and no one presently gives two shits about your day, I want you to pretend that at the end of every day someone is going to ask you that question. And you should have some answer. It doesn’t have to be pulling a golf ball out of the blowhole of a beached whale or trashing a chain coffee shop by crashing a piece of corporate art into it. But there should be something.

Today I read a bit of The Dead Zone, did some writing for a graphic novel, I cooked a turkey breast with orange chipotle glaze and bacon habanero guacamole (I’d never made the guac recipe before), and I watched The Rum Diaries. Not exactly painting the town red, but these experiences are cumulative. It’s like diet and exercise. Are you going to drop 15lbs of fat and gain 15lbs of muscle in one day? No. But if you keep at it day after day, eventually you develop a really good physique. If every day you find something interesting to do, it adds up and over time you develop an interesting personality and an exciting life.

There are thousands of possibilities to do something interesting every day. Some of them are small, like cooking an interesting recipe, but there’s always something you can be doing. How many museums are there in your city that you haven’t visited? How many memorials? If you live in New York have you been down to Battery Park? Seen the Alice in Wonderland statute in Central Park? Checked out the view of the Statue of Liberty on the Staten Island Ferry? If you can’t find something to do, you’re just not trying (especially true for anyone living in a major city).

Eliminate Rubbish Time

Rubbish Time is any time you spend not acting with purpose. Sunday afternoon you turn on the TV to watch some football. It’s not even the team you root for playing, it’s just two teams you don’t give a shit about, but you still watch just because it’s on. Then your team is on, so you watch three more hours of football, and hey, there’s a game on after that, so might as well watch it. And then there’s Monday night football tomorrow.

My roommate and I are both in the same grad program, and at one point in our first semester he asked how I had time to do so much extra reading outside of what was assigned for class. I’d read the first three Game of Thrones books, I re-read The Game, and there were a couple other books in the mix. The answer was pretty simple. Unlike him, I didn’t lose my entire weekend to watching football (he’d also spend Saturdays watching the college games). And, while he was sleeping in until 11:00am or noon, I was usually up around 7:00am getting shit done.

All that time you spend watching TV just because it’s on and you’re not going to bother thinking of something else to do, that’s Rubbish Time, and you need to eliminate it. No more 14 hour Jersey Shore marathons. When you’re sitting on the train on your commute to work, take your headphones off, stop playing Angry Birds, and do something productive with that time.

Rubbish Time vs. Down Time

I’m not saying that you can’t spend a few hours watching football or something else on TV, or playing video games, or whatever it is you do for fun. Recreation is just fine and dandy. It helps us to relax and maintain some sanity. Plus it’s fun, so there’s that. You just have to be conscious of what you’re doing.

The difference between Rubbish Time and Down Time is acting with purpose.

Block off a certain amount of time for unwinding and zoning out, but don’t let it consume your entire evening or entire weekend. You can zone out on the couch for half an hour after you come home from work and before you’re going to make dinner, but after dinner no more mindless zombie couch time, or mindless zombie Reddit time. You’ve had that time already, and you’ve still got a few more hours you can spend doing something interesting. Read a book. If you play guitar, work on that for a while. Go for a walk around your neighborhood (you know you need the exercise). Read the newspaper or SCOTUSBlog. When I watch a movie, it’s not to kill time but because I’m interested in writing and story telling, so I’m actively paying attention to what’s going on, the dialogue choices, the pacing. It’s not just what you’re doing, but whether you’re doing it with purpose.

How This Relates to Seduction

There’s the obvious connection that I started with: Being active makes you interesting, and interesting people are more attractive. That’s just the generalized idea that self-improvement always improves your game. There’s also the fact that you’re going to be out in the world more and thus have more chances to meet someone. But, eliminating Rubbish Time will improve your game in a far more direct way.

By eliminating Rubbish Time, you’re creating a habit of acting with purpose. This habit will propel your game forward. When you get to the club, are you going to hang out in the corner clutching your drink to your chest, standing with your friends on death row not approaching any women? Nope. That’s just mindless zombie club time, and that doesn’t fit in with your new habit of acting with purpose.

Instead of hanging back thinking to yourself “I don’t know what opener to use” your instinct will become “I’m here to chat up girls, there’s a girl, let’s go chat her up.” Approach Anxiety? Gone. Three Second Rule? You don’t even need it, it’s become completely internalized. Outcome Independence? You’ve got it in spades because your mind is focused on your purpose, approaching and taking action — it doesn’t have room to care about getting blown out.

You can’t just conjure that sort of purposeful power out of thin air on a Saturday night when you’ve spent the previous six nights as a lifeless mass on the couch. Purpose needs to become a habit, an all-the-time thing.

Ready, Steady, Wayne Elise

Wayne Elise (“Juggler”) as a guest on the British cooking competition show Ready, Steady Cook. You’ll have to sit through the cooking part of the show to get the seduction advice, but the little bit of it is very solid. It starts at about 6:00 into Part 2.

If you don’t feel like watching, here’s the synopsis:

Guys tend to make one of two mistakes, either they show interest too early or not at all. Too early and you say you’re interested in her only for her looks; too late and you’re in the friend zone.

Other tips are to discuss things in emotional terms, smile more, and if you’re going to juggle just start juggling, don’t preface it with “Heyyyyy guyyyyssss! Pay attention to me, I’m going to do something! …Guyyyyysssss!!!!”